How to Live Comfortably in a Stranger’s House

I think one of the main concerns surrounding becoming an Au Pair is, unsurprisingly, living in a stranger’s home.  This is especially hard for an independent twenty-something transitioning from living independently in your own home to living under someone else’s roof and following someone else’s rules.  And it isn’t just the concept of living somewhere unfamiliar but also the impending awkward encounters with the host mother or father around the house.  Now I’m not going to lie, there will be some rather awkward moments on the horizon, as there were for me!  But these awkward encounters are only temporary (I promise)! 

 

Luckily for me, I travelled up to London with my parents and my youngest brother on move-in day.  This relieved a lot of stress for me, as I was comfortable; the entire move-in experience was similar to my move-in day at University.  Obviously, most au pairs won’t have this luxury as they travel to new countries and cities alone.  But, I would advise you to do the following: buy some of your favourite snacks for the journey (and to stash in your room when you arrive), bring your favourite fictional book, put together a playlist of your favourite songs and leave yourself enough travel time to avoid having a stressful journey!  Filling your senses with nostalgic comforts from home will relieve some of your anxiety and, hopefully, excitement will be the prominent emotion whilst on your journey to meet your host family!  

 

After only making one stop, at our local Starbucks of course, on the two-hour car journey from Kent to West London, we had arrived at my new home for the next year.  I had to pack very light, clothes wise, as I wasn’t sure how much wardrobe/storage space that I would have.  This, for a self-proclaimed fashion addict and clothes hoarder, was difficult to say the least.  However, knowing that home was only a short 1.5 hour train journey away, I felt comfortable in the knowledge that I could bring up more clothes if need be.  After a few trips to and from the car carrying bags of my stuff (mainly bags of clothes, lets face it) to the house, I was pretty much moved in!  My real family were able to meet my host family and were able to see that I was in safe hands with legitimately nice people.  Mum, Dad, and Samuel didn’t stay for long, so as to not cramp my style.  So I said my goodbyes and turned to getting acquainted with the children, I’ll refer to them as C and L, and their dad, Lionel.  

 

If the handwritten sign ‘Welcome Molly!’, made by the children, wasn’t welcoming enough, Lionel offered me some coffee and a slice of cake that he’d brought especially for the children and I as a welcome celebration!  Rather awkwardly, I had to turn the slice of cake down due to my deadly lactose intolerance (absolutely perfect when moving in with a French family – ils aiment beaucoup le fromage).  After some initial chatter, I went upstairs to my room to unpack all of my things and get settled in.  It didn’t take too long, so I ventured back downstairs to play with C and L.  They’d recently purchased a new version of Uno, called ‘Uno Flip’, which I hadn’t played before.  Playing this game broke down any initial barriers between us, language barriers and nerves, and allowed for more comfortable interaction.  I would recommend playing lots of games with your children to get to know them more as there’s a mixture of competition, laughter and stories that come hand in hand with game play.  The children are encouraged to engage in conversation with you and it’s so much better than playing with them on tablets or computers.  After we finished playing games, we all sat down to dinner together and spoke about upcoming plans for the week.  I moved in towards the end of the school summer holidays meaning that there was one week remaining of holiday before the school term recommenced.  As you can probably tell, I was in for a pretty jam-packed week of activities.

 

A busy schedule for my first week as an official au pair was just what I needed to help me to settle in and bond with the kids.  Having an entire week of playing, interacting, and adventuring with C and L before they started back at school for autumn was perfect.  We bonded so much and they even told me they preferred me to their last Au Pair!  Result!!!  This week not only made me feel more settled, but made them more comfortable within my presence.  I’d say that feeling comfortable with the children you’re looking after comes quicker than feeling comfortable moving around and living in someone else’s house.

 

My living situation is somewhat unique for an Au Pair, as C and L’s parents are divorced, so while I remain living at Lionel’s house, the kids move between the house and their mum, Marie’s flat.  There are positives and negatives to this situation; a huge positive being that every other week I don’t have to wake up at silly o’clock to do the school run!  Luckily for me, Marie takes care of the morning school run when the kids are staying with her.  It also means that in the evenings, I have more flexibility to go out for drinks or to meet friends when the kids are at their mum’s. On the flipside, this means that it is only Lionel and myself living in the house during this time.  Obviously that’s fine, it’s his house after all, and we don’t tend to cross paths with each other too often as he works long hours in the city centre, but it can be awkward at times.  

There have been a few times where I’ve arrived home late after going for drinks and I’ve been worried to walk through the door as if I’m going to be met with some sort of interrogation.  Of course this hasn’t been the case, but it can make me feel anxious when tiptoeing back up the stairs to my room after a heavy night out as I may drunkenly bump into Lionel, or wake him up.  

Feelings of nervousness or unease aren’t solely reserved for late-night, drunken antics though.  During my first few weeks living here, I remember lying in bed awake for hours during the morning anxiously waiting to descend downstairs to make breakfast.  I don’t know why I couldn’t just force myself to walk downstairs and say hi to Lionel, and sometimes the kids too, and get on with preparing my first meal of the day.  The anxiety surrounding potential awkward small talk prevented me from feeling comfortable enough to saunter around the house at any given moment.  I think this must be a universally understood feeling for all au pairs.  At the beginning of my stay with my host family, I would lie in bed at the weekend until I heard them actually leave the house before I would go downstairs and start my day.  Writing this now I feel so embarrassed, but it just goes to show how it takes time to build connections with people and to feel comfortable going about your business under someone else’s roof.

 

Even now, I still struggle with uneasy feelings here and there, although these feelings rarely bubble up to the surface anymore.  I’ve gotten used to the awkward small talk and occasional silences, I actually get on well with both parents and children.  But what I’m really trying to say is that it takes time to understand other people’s living patterns and to feel comfortable in new living situations.  The awkwardness and wariness will pass, as you grow closer with your host family, I promise.  They want you to feel at home and will hopefully do everything within their power to do so.  Lionel did this for me by including me on takeaway pizza nights, and inviting me to eat out with him and the children.  I even met his niece when she stayed here for the weekend!  You will grow closer to your host family as time passes and while you won’t ever feel completely at home, you’ll feel pretty damn close.

 

Written by Molly McKenna, 05.11.2021.